Everydayness

Numbness

I was offline for a few months knowing I had to buy another computer and had to wait until I could afford it. During that time, I began to be aware of the numbness in my soul. Oh, lacking the computer wasn't what caused the numbness; I was made aware of it because I was distracted by surfing the web and chatting with my online friends from around the world.

Is it because of the intensity of the losses I have gone through the last few years? I don't need to list the losses...I don't want to think of them. But how do people go through such awful things. There are far worse things that happen to ordinary people all over the world. How do people go through wars who actually live in the war zones?

On television they showed a woman screaming when she got home from work and found ALL of her children dead. Her husband and shot them and then himself. I can still here her screams even now.

I know this is doomsy but I can't help wanting to know and get over this.

I don't know anyone who is truly content and happy. I don't know anyone who isn't afraid in some deep way. My faith has been severly tried and found wanting. I'm ashamed that I'm numb in a way. The shame comes from my lack of faith.

After I was burglarized last week, an online friend reminded me of God's faithfulness. I had been riddled with wondering why God didn't prevent this invasion. After reading her post, I finally realized that God HAD been watching over me and protecting me. I wasn't hurt. Nothing of importance was taken and minor damaged was done. Even if I lose everything I can still have hope for the future. (I'm reminding myself)

Seems as if I'm always going through some sort of personal angst. It's ridiculous. I simply don't know how to get "un-numbed".

I think part of it is because I have gone through a total transformation concerning what I used to think and believe about FAITH. The realization that I was so naive about religious leaders in my journey with God deeply affects me. How are we so easily manipulated by religious and political propaganda? For me, I want to believe the best of people until proven wrong. I am constantly berieved when the worst is shown...especially about myself and what I am capable of. Is this the dark night of the soul I've heard so much about? If so, there is nothing I can do to come out of it. Only God can bring me out to renewal and resurrection. I need for it to be soon, please.

Sons and daughters

Go ahead. Have a son and donate him to the US Governement for future use.
Watch, as your children grow, suffer and die. You guiltily ask God why He
condemned the future human race to such agony, why our blood was tainted
by one couple so much so that the Son of God had to shed His blood for ours
only to receive more horrible earthly sorrow until we received our eternal
reward if we measure up. We might end up in the back lot somewhere only
hoping to see Jesus personally.

Go ahead and have a girl child and donate her to endless heartache and worry
knowing the future holds even more intense terror. Mothers weep when they
embrace their newborns. Love overwhelms us. And we, unsuspecting we, have
no clue of the angst ahead. We think love will be enough; that if we protect them
they will survive and succeed.

Go ahead. Watch a child become terminally ill and die. Ask the unspeakable
questions. Dry up the tears and the questions remain. You don't dare ask
outloud for fear of furture repercussions from HE who rules the earth. In all
Job went through he never cursed God with his mouth and thus was blessed
twice what he had before. Don't you think he would have been happier to
have been able to see his first born brood live and procreate? Cruelty by whom?
The devil?

Christians know there will never be peace on earth until Jesus takes over again. The
jihad is in our souls. What is this senseless war in the earth for? Ha.

I have to come to terms with God's methods. The preachers say that when things
go wrong it isn't God's fault so whose is it-- implying, of course, it's ours. Or they
say, bad things happen to good people; it rains on the righteous and the unrighteouse;
you didn't tithe or pay enough offerings, et cetera.

I'd like to sit down and have a chat with the Father and just listen and be comforted
by truth but I can't hear Him right now or He's in His silence mode.