Numbness

I was offline for a few months knowing I had to buy another computer and had to wait until I could afford it. During that time, I began to be aware of the numbness in my soul. Oh, lacking the computer wasn't what caused the numbness; I was made aware of it because I was distracted by surfing the web and chatting with my online friends from around the world.

Is it because of the intensity of the losses I have gone through the last few years? I don't need to list the losses...I don't want to think of them. But how do people go through such awful things. There are far worse things that happen to ordinary people all over the world. How do people go through wars who actually live in the war zones?

On television they showed a woman screaming when she got home from work and found ALL of her children dead. Her husband and shot them and then himself. I can still here her screams even now.

I know this is doomsy but I can't help wanting to know and get over this.

I don't know anyone who is truly content and happy. I don't know anyone who isn't afraid in some deep way. My faith has been severly tried and found wanting. I'm ashamed that I'm numb in a way. The shame comes from my lack of faith.

After I was burglarized last week, an online friend reminded me of God's faithfulness. I had been riddled with wondering why God didn't prevent this invasion. After reading her post, I finally realized that God HAD been watching over me and protecting me. I wasn't hurt. Nothing of importance was taken and minor damaged was done. Even if I lose everything I can still have hope for the future. (I'm reminding myself)

Seems as if I'm always going through some sort of personal angst. It's ridiculous. I simply don't know how to get "un-numbed".

I think part of it is because I have gone through a total transformation concerning what I used to think and believe about FAITH. The realization that I was so naive about religious leaders in my journey with God deeply affects me. How are we so easily manipulated by religious and political propaganda? For me, I want to believe the best of people until proven wrong. I am constantly berieved when the worst is shown...especially about myself and what I am capable of. Is this the dark night of the soul I've heard so much about? If so, there is nothing I can do to come out of it. Only God can bring me out to renewal and resurrection. I need for it to be soon, please.

Comments

[Diane]

HELP: I'm mad as hell and I can't take it anymore.