I refused to go to college after graduation from high school. My folks wanted me to go into nursin or teaching which I had absolutely no interest in. I wanted to go to some school of journalism. I had always wanted to be a respected author. I ended up going to the nearest city where I began working at a bank. Both my grandfather's had been bank presidents. I hated it. I met a boy soon after moving to the city. The living was fast. I grew up in a small town so I was taken head-long into the fast lane. The boys I dated knew ...I mean KNEW about sex and I certainly didn't so I ended up pregnant and married at the age of almost 19. In those days when you became pregnant you married. In my case I didn't want to shame my parents furthur so I went ahead with the wedding.
The eve of my wedding I felt a dark dread settle over me that didn't leave me for many, many years. The eve of my wedding my mother tried to kill herself with a kitchen knife. Daddy stopped her. I slept with every sharp object I could find that night. I realized when I was 36 years old that i had had that dark dreadful feeling all those years because of guilt, shame and condemnation; that even though I had asked God's forgiveness I had never felt forgiven or accepted by God after I did what I did. When I was 36, I heard the good news of HOW to receive His forgiveness....by faith; that I was justified by faith and forgiven through Jesus' shed blood upon the cross. It took many years of study to even begin to understand "from the cross to the throne". It took a long time to understand grace and not works lest anyone should boast.
During the flush of "first knowledge" I felt special and pure. I wanted to stay that away thus began the arduous legalistic deadness of trying to stay pure and holy. I confessed continually to each and every thought of deed i deamed sinful. I burned out. I was disappointed in myself thinking God didn't listen to people like me. I wasn't special anymore. All the promises the pastor and elders made about God turned to ashes as my marriage came apart, my children became disillusioned, my only son died of brain cancer at the age of 33. None of us go to church anymore. I am now almost 60 years old. We don't blame God. I guess you could say, we blame ourselves for not living up to all the bible...God's laws. The ones about if you do this, you receive that..such as the healing of my son; the healing of my marriage. How were the prayers of a adulterous woman who snagged my husband more powerful than mine? What the hell happened? There were some who suggested that all was lost because we stopped tithing! That because I began to express disagreement with the church leaders I was being punished; that that was why I lost God's favor. I'm still in love with our Father but I'm tired still and have to wish at all to return to any church.
Having said all of that, my subject for the day concerns walking in love with memebers of my family...my two sisters and my brother, my two old aunts and my mother. The two rich old aunts took over the rulership of the family after my staid, stoic grandmother died. Then as my siblings grew up they began to exhibit the controlling spirit that lead my aunts. One of the sisters, after marrying and leaving our small town began attending and AOG church. She became and still is the most legalistic person in our family and her attitude permeates everyone. During the breakup of my marriage, the illness and death of my son, I had to look at her judgemental, hard face and just cry inside. Somehow, in her mind, everything was my fault and I deserved what I got. Then I woke up one day realizing she was the problem, not me. I couldn't understand it until I remembered how mother, in her mental illness how slandered and lied about me...her own daughter and my sister had heard it for years and hated me for the things my mother said. My sister was joined at the hip with mother...clinged to her and was very possesive of her, wanting her all to herself. This sister made sure that I pushed outside as she took up mother's cause because I refused to bow to mother's sick controlling mental illness. I refused to bow to my sister's same spirit and still do.
But I began to speak loving things to her throught the medium of this computer...through email and boy did things start being revealed. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in this area of family relationship. I wanted to blast her and the other sister and my brother for their hypocrisy, pride and cruelty but God showed me the better way.....His way to get through to them. Love. Healing has begun but it's not over yet. The one thing they still don't get is how much they hurt me and my children and OH how in my flesh I would love to just lay it all out there.
As they were judging me, it all came out about my brother, who was a pastor and had been in adultery and pornography. My younger sister "came out" to me about being gay and all while they were being so harsh with me and my family! Still, they are being self-righteous. I'm appalled that they don't get it or admit it.
Continued later:
Profound, honest & visceral Diane.
As you write, you will continue to heal.
Blessings.
Posted by: MsTick | October 02, 2003 at 08:45 AM
WOW! I should've read the first one first!
You're special in my book, Diane!!
Posted by: HarryTick | October 02, 2003 at 05:09 PM
Now I know how to answer you guys thanks to Shep. The beat goes on in the healing of my family relationships. I appreciate you taking the time to read my rantings. :)
Posted by: Diane | June 06, 2004 at 02:04 PM
My ex husband's wife has had two strokes. She is barely into her 40s ..clost to my older daughter's age. She will be totally blind. Someone said, what goes around comes around but I hated that they said that. I wouldn't wish this awful thing on her or anyone. If bad things happens to us because of our sins such as her strokes then none of us has any hope for none of us is perfectly sinless.
My credit card expired and I don't have the money to pay for this site for now so I had to write in the comments.
Posted by: Diane | October 08, 2004 at 10:06 AM